Bad ads during the Big Game

If you watched the Super Bowl commercials last night, you may have come away thinking that being an American man is a fate worse than death.

That's the overwhelming impression given by companies like Bud Light, Flo TV (Eh?!!!) and (cough!) Dodge in their ads that portrayed men as spineless idiots required to sign over their testicles when they sign their marriage licenses.

What's even worse is that at first I kept shushing my family when I would see a commercial come on since it is, after all, the Super Bowl and we know the commercials are a big deal. I guess I was too trusting that companies who paid a reported $2 million would do something worthwhile with that time slot they bought. Lesson learned.

At first I didn't catch the misogyny in the Betty White ad for Snickers, although I should have known woman-bashing would be the night's theme when eating a Snickers turned Betty White back into her normal, manly self. I was just laughing too hard at Betty White saying, "That's not what your girlfriend said last night."

Then I noticed that I felt compelled to yell at the TV after nearly every commercial (every commercial that wasn't hawking a CBS show, that is.)

"Wow, being a man really stinks," I'd shout sarcastically from my post in the kitchen, where I'd been making Super Bowl snacks for the four men in my house.

I grew more indignant with nearly every ad, until Tim said, "You know, they're catering to their market right now."

I disagree, though. A normal football game is a man's world, I'm sure. But the Super Bowl is a cross-cultural social event now. I know at least 10 female friends who were going to Super Bowl parties last night. And I'll bet that way more women were watching than during a normal game. We notice this stuff, you know.

My other problem, as it is during every network-televised football game, is that my boys were watching. The 13-year-olds really pay attention, and usually the only thing I have to shield them from during football games is the ads for horrible CBS crime shows like Criminal Minds, which might as well be named How will we torture and kill a young woman this week?

I'd just like my kids to get a chance to enter their first guy-girl relationship without having been indoctrinated by all this crap.

More than that, during the "Big Game," I had to be the lone voice in our house to speak up against the He-Man Woman Haters Club that paid for the ads.

Last year's ads were more serious or thought-provoking, so I can see the desire to use humor this year. Funny is good. But you know what's better than funny? Smart funny. Dockers using men with no pants? Stupid. Tim Tebow tackling his mom? Harsh. Go Daddy? Please. E-trade baby? Jumped the shark. Bridgestone "Your money or your wife"? Confusing. Coke and The Simpsons? Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

The worst of all, I thought, was for a Qualcomm product called FloTV, which obviously didn't get all the iPad jokes about feminine products last week. Their waste of ad space was the one with Jim Nantz scolding the "spineless" guy in the mall. "Change out of that skirt, Jason" hit me exactly the wrong way. Ha ha, shopping is stupid and girly and, ... wait. Don't forget, guys, that when we're doing all that girly shopping, we're spending money. That's what you want us to do to boost the economy, right?

The best Super Bowl ads are the ones that don't try too hard but surprise me, in a good way, as they go along. Like the old Michael Jordan-Larry Bird McDonald's showdown (recast less convincingly last night with Lebron and Dwight "Shoulders" Howard). I liked how the Dove for Men soap ad said it's OK to be a grown-up, unlike the Bud Light book club ad, where guys blow off their softball game when they see their girlfriends plan to have a couple of beers during their book club meeting.

My favorite was the Google ad about studying French abroad. I loved it because it stayed true to what Google is. It showed the product exactly the way we want to see it, but also hooked us into a storyline in a creative way without managing to insult anyone.

Getting your name out there is a tenet of the advertising industry. Perhaps agencies should add "first do no harm" to their mission statements now.

And CBS thought Tim Tebow's mom was going to be the night's biggest problem.